The Bronze Review

Since we are a movie blog, I suppose that one of our tasks is to warn you against bad movies, right? Well, that is what I’m going to do today and, in case you totally disagree with me, let me know, although it’s very unlikely. Months ago the Big Bang Theory cast promoted Melissa Rauch’s new movie The Bronze all over social media claiming that it’s oh-so-hilarious and I immediately knew that it was everything but hilarious because, otherwise, it wouldn’t be so promoted by Melissa’s cast mates in the same way they promoted We’ll Never Have Paris, which was a disgrace.

The Bronze is about a former gymnast Hope who won a bronze medal at the Olympics in 2004 where she also got injured and had to end her career. Despite the injury, Hope is still a local hero and has to train a rising Olympics aspirant from the same area, which means that Hope will have to share the celebrity status in the town. I watched the first 5-10 min where they show Hope growing up and I thought “Well, it’s not that bad so far” and immediately they cut to the present where we see Hope masturbating to a video of herself. What level of narcissism is that? Not even Kim Kardashian does that? I hope.

Let’s talk about this Hope character for a minute, shall we? I understand that she is unhappy because she had to end her career but I’ve never heard anyone curse so much in a movie, and, frankly, she made me genuinely angry! Melissa was definitely inspired by – surprise surprise – Bernadette from The Big Bang Theory, so Hope was yelling all the time. Luckily, her voice was only a tad better than Berndette’s, otherwise I would’ve gone crazy myself. The movie is literally 1h40m of Melissa Rauch swearing and I did not laugh once.

Watching The Bronze is an utter waste of life and, mostly, you’ll feel like ripping your eyes out because the actors are incredibly annoying and they can’t really act. Melissa Rauch should be able to play other characters than Bernadette and this slightly angrier version of Bernadette, which says enough about her acting skills. I can easily say that it is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, which leads me to the rating, and I guess it’s no surprise that this thing they call a movie doesn’t deserve more than 1 out of 5 clapperboards.

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