I had a hard time deciding what overrated movie to review first – Bird Box or A Star Is Born, so I will do both because it’s incredible how media influences the general opinion on a movie or actor. However, HFPA couldn’t be fooled and they named Bohemian Rhapsody best motion picture of 2018. Everything else would have been outrageous. Okay, let’s focus on Bird Box because I was really excited about it when I saw the trailer on Netflix and pretty much everywhere on the Internet.
Let me say this straight: Bird Box is a waste. Waste of my time. Waste of money for Netflix. Waste of Sandra Bullock’s talent. Waste of Sarah Paulson’s talent. Waste of space. I’m pretty sure you get the point, don’t you? Bird Box is so bad that I almost cried out of desperation while watching it. I love horror movies A LOT and, although I knew from the beginning that this particular one wouldn’t be scary enough for me, I figured it could still be a good story. But what story, really? I spent the two hours gushing about Sandra Bullock’s hair. And don’t tell me that one has to see beyond everything and realize that it has a beautiful message such as facing your fears or whatever (that’s what people actually say). That’s just a bad attempt to save an empty movie because the protagonists can do anything but face their fears.
Bird Box is about an ominous presence that drives the entire world to commit suicide as soon as they take a look at this unseen thing that’s haunting mankind. In a world where no one can use their eyes if they want to live, Malorie, a single mother of two tries to run away and save them in a forest where she is supposed to just listen to the birds that will lead her to the rescue. I’m sure that when you read it, you probably wonder what’s wrong with me because it sounds like an interesting semi-horror story. Especially knowing that what people in the movie allegedly see is the manifestation of their biggest fears. However, many things seem senseless. The whole story is pointless, and the characters are painfully boring, uninteresting, and totally irrelevant. And why on Earth was Sarah Paulson in the movie?!
Sandra Bullock and John Malkovich do a descent job but their characters have no depth so, at the end of the day, they simply don’t convince me. The story itself starts out very fast with Malorie seeing a random woman at the hospital who bumps her head into the window glass and, suddenly, within minutes, the whole world goes crazy. Then the rest of the movie gets very slow. We follow the characters in an abandoned house and just wait for something to happen – and when it does, you have no idea why. You keep waiting for the awesome AHA! feeling where the movie finally makes sense and it gets good but, unfortunately, the best part of the movie are the credit rolls because it means it’s over.
So you wanna watch Bird Box? Sure, but make sure to do it with a blindfold. Or just don’t. It is one of the movies with a good idea that is executed horribly and I still fail to understand what version of the movie people have been watching and raving about, because we clearly haven’t seen the same one. The only scary thing about this horror movie is the amount of hype it’s getting.